How old am I again?

From the title, this post should probably be light-hearted and fun. It's not.

I'm wondering how old I am because I really feel like a poorly behaved little boy. I am told repeatedly not to get dirty, even shown the splendors of cleanliness and allowed to partake of its benefits. I see the good things my Father has for me, I see the forgiveness and trust in His eyes when I tell him I'll stay clean from now on, and I see the anguish on His face when I come in the door, dripping in muck, asking to be cleaned up again. Because as fun as getting dirty might seem, being dirty sucks.

Why are all of these things not enough to keep my sorry butt out of the dirt? Why do the people around me not see who I am and hate me for it? I try not to get them dirty, but being around someone as filthy as me has got to rub off after a while. Why does my Father continue to love me? Where does He get all that soap? When will I learn? I don't love people like I'm supposed to, I don't love God a fraction what He's worth. I fail my wife as a lover, a leader and a provider, I fail my friends as a brother in Christ. I fail almost every single person I encounter as a witness and light and a bringer of hope. I waste my time and the gifts God has given me. I waste the grace He's poured out again and again. I'm a phony and a liar.

I asked God to give me a new heart, because I hate the one I have. I asked to grieve my sins, now I wish I didn't have so many to grieve. Please pray for me.

I don't like the idea of publishing this for the world to see. But I want people to see God's grace in the fact that I am still alive, and still allowed to call out to God for forgiveness. And I want people to know who I really am, so at least they can make an informed decision about me.